Professor Layton :: Ferris Wheel Park
I am Jack's :: Mild Headache and Incoming Fatigue
Slept badly. Incincerate was infiltrating my dreams all last night. Even when I can clearly recollect being 'asleep'-- the passage of time drawn out like a blade-- as I try to drift off again, my mind settles into wakefulness, not unconsciousness.
It's weird. Frustrating.
It's 9:20 A.M, and I have to be to work in less than an hour. I'm already working on a headache, and I don't think my paltry 5 (? if that) hours of sleep are going to cut it.
Massive caffeination inbound.
I'm clearly a weaker person when I'm approaching (or immersed in) incoherency. Duh, right?
What I mean is, when I'm awake, alert-- even with my head starting to softly split-- I can shut out negativity. I can claim a stronger stance of objectivity. I can analyze a situation, and cordon off inappropriate reactions. Shelve them. The things I think about when awake leave a slight knot in my stomach, but they're fully acceptable. Such is life, right?
Laying in bed last night, on the cusp of stepping aboard the Dreamland Express, Incinerate infiltrated my mind. I'm more or less helpless in that state; memories become warped and tainted. Objectivity turns to a sour patch in my stomach. I can't shut it out. Something I would ordinarily be able to step back and view in the bleaching light of neutrality becomes something that puts a lump in my throat. A razoring burn of disappointment somewhere behind my eyes.
Again, sometimes I wish I could cry.
I can't have her back. I realize this more and more.
She's either already made her plans for Europe, or will be soon -- OR -- she has begun the rapidly-quickening steps into a relationship.
Will either last? Likely not. The trip will be short-lived, and the relationship likely the same (what with someone having unresolved issues, and all).
And yet, neither of those likelihoods change a goddamn thing.
I mean, obviously, the clear solution is to sleep less. Heh.
But, seriously. The mind knows things you sometimes do not. It's all about unlocking. So... I wonder, then, what the effect is?
Upon waking, I'm always gripped by a desire to contact her. Bust down my wall of pride and make the concessions needed to HELP HER REPAIR the breach.
But that's foolishness, isn't it?
For the reasons I've already listed, among others.
She needs to take the first step.
"What is this? A staring match between two kids from the old neighborhood?" -- Good Will Hunting
Yeah, it IS. And I can't blink first.
But neither will she.
Discarding my pride for an instant will not yield the results I want. It will only serve to create a black hole of bitterness when my gamble doesn't pay off.
I mean, seriously, I fucking know better.
That only makes it *so much* less tempting, though. The discordian apple still beckons.
Take a bite. You have nothing to fear.
It will be all that you could have hoped.
Y'know... in the email I wrote her, I told her that I hope she finds happiness. And that's very true. Even though this whole situation is a clusterfuck and a messy pile of hurt feelings and unaccountability and inconsideration, I really do hope she's doing what makes her happy.
A part of me really hopes she's going to get together with her "neutral party' and catalyst for this whole thing.
There's selfishness in that wish, of course. It makes things much easier for me.
But, also? She deserves happiness in a way which I could not afford her.
I hope the wraith of her visions will leave my slumber be.
Randomness :: "Hello there/the angel from my nightmares"
9:16 a.m. - 2010-08-20
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