As Well A Can Be Expected
~LowMid~
Blue Morgan (End) :: MDB ST
Hello again, my darling girl.
And hello again to you, You.
It's been 3 years since your last entry here. 3 years of Katie. Or, Kathryn, if you prefer.
I used to think that there was something wrong with only writing in a journal when there was something "amiss" in ones life.
Now I realize, that isn't the case.
This is my method of diagnostic, y'know?
I spent a lot of time, knife in hand, carving this shit out of me. And though I haven't been back to re-read my entries in a long time, I know-- I KNOW-- that a lot of what I've allowed myself to write in days past was.... a contrivance.
Not always honest.
Look at the names inside. They allude partially to nicknames I've given people in my life. To preserve their anonymity.
Now, at the age of 32, I realize.... I don't care any more.
I don't care what people think of me. Of what I have to say. And obfuscating people and things and feelings and thoughts isn't noble.
It's cowardly and uncertain.
And so, thus, there is no reason to deceive anyone any more.
Including myself.
I wrote to Katie-- Incinerate-- briefly. A couple weeks worth of thoughts. Of analysis, put to tangibility via journal.
I realize, now, I still have more to say.
My actions in the last week have shown amply that I have a lot in my head to sort out.
I need to spill it unto this electronic medium, so the thoughts and words don't split my head open like an overripe melon.
And so, this journal will be reborn.
How long? Who can say.
I've done a fantastic job of not keeping up with my journals in the past years.
But then, I know that is a testament to my life being so fantastic, and stable, and metered.
This is how I learn about myself, and other people.
And if you, stranger who has stumbled upon this journal, wish to continue reading.... you may.
I have nothing to hide any more.
This song.... reminds me of.... .... lots of things.
It reminds me of simplicity, and the "way things are", and have to be.
It reminds me of dedication. Of simplicity. Of honesty.
Things I value and love and want to have in my life.
And to have those things, I have to reach acceptance. By understanding and internalization.
And I know, too, that there is a lot of anger, and bitterness, and sadness within, as well.
And that's ok.
It's ok to feel those things.
And it's ok to admit them.
It's ok to cry. And rage.
It's ok to not, too.
The way you feel, is simply.... the way it is.
And it is how one acts on those emotions that defines who you are as a person.
"The size of a man is defined by the size of the things that make him angry."
10:23 p.m. - 2013-07-08
Recent entries:
Tossi Propter - 2018-07-02
Summerscorch - 2018-07-02
Heartdesert - 2018-06-25
Elliptical - 2018-06-25
Back and Callback - 2018-06-18
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