I am Jack's :: Return to Old Form
Warmth
Requiem for Another World :: Thieves of Fate
It's getting late. Work tomorrow morning-- tournament. One of the harder days.
I was fully inspired to write earlier today, but now my Muse has been stolen.
No matter. Even lacking "artistic" inspiration, there's enough rattling around in my head to put something down.
----------------------------------------
I realized in my last entry-- and no doubt forthcoming ones-- that I (will) struggle with consistent use of the pronoun "you" and "her".
Explanation: Every time I have wrote... no. That's not correct. let me try again.
There -was- a phase when I wrote to Kathryn with the use of "her" and "she"-- a long time ago. 3 or more years, to be concise. I've not re-read those entries in a long time, though I have revisited a few of them for the purpose of refreshing my memory (for a number of things irrelevant to this entry).
In those old, archived authorings, I was talking to myself. Both walking myself through the motivations of another person, and my own reactions, feelings, assessments.
The entries were pinned with a semi-honest belief that I would never hear from her again. And so, I wrote to myself, to preserve my feelings, thoughts... and to help me understand myself, if not her.
And yet, when I wrote to Katie, in that dualistically-private journal, I, of course, used the direct and intimate "you".
The understanding-- which is to say, 'hope'-- was that some day she would read those words I was writing her. Responding or not, they were addressing her. Questions, posed, theories presented, feelings admitted. All of it was directed out and toward her, even if some of what I had to say was spilled unto the sibilant hiss of silence as a confessional.
And so.... the here and now. I catch myself second-guessing myself. I'll write something, and hesitate, and re-read it.... and go back and delete it.
I'll weigh whether it is more appropriate, more practical.... more honest, to use "she" and "her"....
..... or "you".
What does that say of me?
Well..... do I expect to ever have her back in my life, as a fixture there? Will I ever have the privilege of having her shape my value system again?
Or do I follow through-- as my rational mind tells me I should-- and prepare and condition myself to have her leave the wraithly, empty space in my life?
Part of me (let's call it "Passion").... speaks loudly that I should proceed as though this is just another "bon voyage"? A brief divergence of ways, destined to meet again, sooner or later?
I care about her, truly and deeply, and she -has- shaped a very large part of my value system. In a myriad of deep and incredible ways. She has been a catalyst for growth, self-exploration, and met the needs of my "heroic" self, rescuing her from disaster after disaster. She has allowed me to play the part of mentor and confidante.
And the sex. Oh my God.
The best sex of my life, hands down.
(That was a comically insufficient description-- better saved for another post or several).
That part of me that misses her, and wishes (wished?) I could welcome her back into my life.... it can also be patient. And this is where it overlaps with the other half, dialectically.
The intelligent, rational part of my mind (let's name it "Logic") has the good sense to know that I should leave this chapter closed. Maybe dog-eared and re-read, as inspiring as deep passages are, but nonetheless put behind me for a time.
The very real and brutal block I made as a parting gesture leaves my estimation of her evaluation of the her-and-me dynamic almost unknowable.
Logic tells me that this journey has hit a fork, and this is where we part ways.
There are legions of reasons why this should be so:
- She lacks perspective, and appreciation
- She is trying to fit "us" and herself into a mold that she cannot hope to flesh out
- She made her devaluation of you very clear
- She is a rather soul-grindish pile of idiosyncrasies
And that is just the ones I can toss out, off the top of my head.
It's been several years since she and I haven't... been in one-anothers' life for more than a few weeks.
It's probably time to put it to rest for a while. Y'know?
And while I don't know when-- if ever-- she will contact me (as she seemed to want to box herself into a corner regarding the contacting of me, and the stipulations, there).... I do think that.... maybe some day in the future, we will speak again.
".... ♪ you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend~♪"
I just envisioned... perhaps part of my reluctance to let her go, is because I did so with Amber, and never got a chance to.... come back to This Place.
But This Place is another entry.
Or several.
So what's it to be?
I feel like, dedicating the articles -to- her.... indicate the appropriate amount of respect that she deserves, and that I afford her, mentally, despite her rather poor treatment of her valuation of me.
I want her to be able to read my words, and know that I held on to hope; knew that we would meet again, some day, in a way that would be honest and equal and .... good. In way that would be RIGHT.
But as I often preach to people, routine-routine-routine is the way to evoke change. And addressing words as "she" and "her" will help me to subconsciously reinforce the fact that she has moved on. Or that a wall has been erected; one not so easily torn down, this time. It is reinforced by irrationality, and emotional immaturity, and romanticism, and all sorts of other things.
I think, in the end, the easiest way to cope is to just.... do what I'm doing.
In truth, only a week has elapsed since the day of Freedom (fitting~), and already now, I find it easier to think on without a complex and depressing range of emotions.
I can sift through my feelings, and my argumentation and justifications honestly. I don't feel a searing pang of longing and sadness for her when I turn her over in my head.
Is it desensitization? Or emotional understanding?
I think that I'll use the pronoun that feels... "right".
Which is to say, I will give it careful consideration of the ramifications of each before putting them to electronic permanence.
I still miss you, Katie.
Kathryn.
Mein schatz.
"♪ If you keep building these walls~ brick by brick tower so tall~ soon I won't see you at all.... ♪"
10:30 p.m. - 2013-07-12
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