Low~Mid

Ohhhh, Katy.

Spoke with her today. She sent me another email.
It was the first one in 9 months where she took actual, focused accountability for something she did that was unmindful.

It was baffling. Almost as confusing as the email she sent before that one, a week prior.

I don't understand her any more.

She said that my scalpel-like dissection-- my mental blade of analysis-- is too sharp, sometimes. That it's a well-honed tool, but sometimes too keen. And maybe sometimes.... not so accurate.

I didn't know what to say.
I told her she was being hard on herself.
Like, much too hard.

And then she texted me for a while. We bantered a tiny bit. Talked a little of more important things.
But, as always, we left many things unsaid. And a lot of ideas floating nebulously.

She spent time with Ruth today. And for that I was glad.
I'm glad they're having another crack at it, y'know? They both could really use one anothers' friendship. And this is something I've long-believed.
And also? This is almost like a second chance to not go and fuck everything up from the sidelines. Like a huge, blundering, selfish asshole.
So, y'know.
That's good.

She messaged me about an hour before my shift was supposed to be over? Asking if it would be weird if she was here when I got home.
I responded, and said it would be fine.

What I didn't tell her was that I .... don't think it would be a good idea for her to see me.
I don't think that I am comfortable with her trying to castrate me, in that way.

I get the impression that she wants to make me "safe". To make it so that.... she doesn't have to worry about.
Well, shit.
Everything?

Not have to worry about the things I might say to her. The theories I might ask, or the feelings I might admit.
I think, too, that she doesn't (and yet secretly does) want to hear me growl my desire for her. Fingers wrapped around her arm, mouth close to her ear, whispering in a controlled, low rumble.
That I still yearn for her deeper and harder than any woman.

I think she's trying to.... find reassurance that I can be "safe" in that way.

And it's like.
I want to tell her that, in a lot of ways? I understand what she is saying when she says she doesn't want things to go "back to the way they were".
I mean, jesus-- if I were her, I wouldn't want to go back to some of that, either. I might actually want to die first (NotHyperbole.exe)

But when she says that, I wonder if she strictly means... the shitty way I used to represent myself, and diminish her. By attacking her values and questioning her past-times.
Or if she means, specifically, the dynamic of us sleeping together.

And if she is trying to de-fang me. To 'bring me into the light', so to speak.... I must decline.
I will keep my mouth tightly shut (not just a metaphor), and shake my head from my little dark corner.

I won't let you turn me into something completely non-threatening.

This is who I am.
Unsubtle and straightforward.

Unabashed to admit openly that I still love her, and desire her.
And I cannot be tamed by such measures.
The joyous idea of friendship and conversation of her loses a lot of it's exhilaration without the connection of our intimacy.
Upon which a great deal of our resonance is built.

If you are worried about my means of communication. And my judgments of your life. And all the horrible bullshit I put you through.... then that's something else. And something for which I still take utter accountability.
If this is what she refers to, then I am more than fully willing to assure her that it would not be anything remotely like that, again.

But.... if she is referencing something else? Like the expunging of the idea of she and I as lovers? Of the rejection of "gong back" to that dynamic.

Then we are at an impasse. And it seems one or both of us cannot reconcile the gap between us.

Please don't try and de-fang me, Katy.

Because if you did, I would lose the very thing you are attracted to, deep down.

カエル + サソリ

1:22 a.m. - 2014-04-23