4ooHz
I haven't done a "normal" entry in a while.
Not far lack of things to say. Mostly out of internal conflict. Uncertainty.
Patience?
Katie hasn't yet replied to the .... short message I wrote her on Friday, acknowledging quietly that I read her letters, and admitting openly that... I don't know what to do.
You know... I don't honestly think she reads this thing any more.
And that's ok.
But... just in case, I know that I should refrain from ... laying words to electronic medium that might turn into a vehicle for guilt.
So... what do I do?
I still think of her every day.
I've been remiss in typing in here.
And I think, maybe, it's time for me to switch voices.
I've decided I really rather enjoy writing random prose, in the style of Master Secret Motel. Despite my rather amateurish and overwrought stylistics.
Look, it's a work in progress, ok?
It's... a good exercise of my mind, since I haven't been scalplexing myself much lately.
I should, though.
I have old entries I could (read: SHOULD) be revisiting. I have a book I most certainly have not been reading near enough.
Both of those points are essentially irrefutable. And I've just sort of been... allowing myself to be lazy.
So, honestly. It's probably about time I cut that shit out.
Enough with the malaise of laziness seeping into my daily life.
This isn't living with purpose.
This isn't living with intent.
I can do better than this.
I plan on upping my workouts again. Nick and I are going to start doubling-up on Wednesdays, and I've already committed myself to doubling-down on my days off, as well.
God damn it.
If he can do it, I can do it.
So I fucking will.
I'm going to get the physique I want.
Right hand to God.
And so... then the question that follows is:
Can I achieve all the other things I desire as much as this?
The improvements of the mind? The resolutions of my heart?
I want to say, with utter, unshakable confidence and cold resolve "Yes", overwhelmingly. But my inner-pragmatist holds up it's hands and says "Whoa, hey... slow down. Let's not get carried away."
And in the meantime, I wait, and try.
Very, very hard.
To preserve my memory of Katie.
My memory of My Katie.
.... and I wonder, too...
...
.... nevermind.
12:51 a.m. - 2014-04-29
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