Hey. You.
I haven't heard from you in a couple weeks. And, to be honest, am rather afraid that I won't hear from you for many, many more.
But that's alright. It's not the crippling, consuming terror that I used to grapple with, not so long ago.
Now it's sort of a resigned sadness?
I have no idea if you are holding steadfast to your claim to not reading these entries any more. Considering the reasonable success you had at forsaking this ongoing bunch of words before, I would be surprised if you ever came back to read this.
So. Y'know.
There's that.
I don't really know what to say, here.
I don't know what to write about.
I still think of you. Every day.
Just like every day that has come before this one.
And every day that will come after.
I still measure other women up to you. And I still find them lacking, consistently.
I had a great many things I wanted to say to you, but ultimately decided that discretion was the better part of valor.
Not that any of what I had to say was angry or bitter. But it was cutting and presumptuous in that way that you had explained made you uncomfortable, and vaguely angry.
So, yeah. I dunno.
I had considered writing to you, like..... after the last, long letter I sent? Just sending you emails. Letter after letter, since you said you didn't want to read here, any more.
But I.... I don't know. I didn't want to push that hard?
I didn't want to drive a stake of resentment into your heart.
Or I guess, more accurately would be, I didn't want to negate any sort of trauma-reversal I might have maybe-- just maybe-- have made. Y'know?
Didn't want to leave you with a bitter, choking taste of me in your throat.
And then, too, there was the fact that you and Ruth had been trying to re-establish lines of communication and friendship.
And I bottom-line-holy-shit did not want to go fucking that up.
And so, I just held my peace.
But don't think-- even for a moment-- that I ran out of things to say.
It's still an endless wellspring of words inside of me.
I just.... I have acquiesced in your wishes-- as I have for months-- and stayed corralled in the area you have shepherded me.
I dunno.
I still love you, Katie.
And I hope-- really, genuinely hope-- that you are happy. And maybe, whatever difficulties you are encountering in your life right now, are only brief and transitory.
I still wish you didn't.... villainize me so much. But I know that you have to do it-- at least some little it, but maybe it's more like a lot-- in order to find consonance.
And that's alright. There is plenty of valid material there for you to shape an enduring theory.
.....yeah.
I guess there's one other thing.
I briefly toyed with the idea of emailing you, but.... since the last time I did something like this, I literally got a resounding "FUCK. YOU." as a reply, I deduced that maybe I shouldn't nudge that hornets' nest.
Even though there's a very large chance that I have nothing left to lose.
Y'know?
SO, with that said:
I'll be home alone the evening of the 16th and 17th this May. About a week from now.
If you... ever wanted to escape your life now-- if even only for an evening or two-- I would ask no questions, and welcome you back into my arms.
I would adore seeing you, since I deprived myself of the opportunity a few weeks ago.
And the only reason I did that, is because I suspected that it was.... what might have been better for you.
Every minutes of every hour I spent with you would be bliss burned into my heart, like the brand of scattered sun's rays.
Anyway.
If you... can think of a way to find time to come, I'll be here.
I could leave a list of reasons as to how you could convince yourself to do it (if, indeed, you needing any convincing), but I'm not THAT big a scorpion.
But I will say that this letter has many tines.
If you see this, well then... there's that. And it means something.
If you don't, then it doesn't matter anyway.
If you decide to decline the invite, and say nothing, then it's a win for us; because it means you're happy and committed.
And if you don't, and I see you... then it's also a win for us.No matter how brief.
<3
That all said, I'm hoping you're well.
I love you.
And I miss you, Katie.
Mein schatz.
1:22 a.m. - 2014-05-08
Recent entries:
Tossi Propter - 2018-07-02
Summerscorch - 2018-07-02
Heartdesert - 2018-06-25
Elliptical - 2018-06-25
Back and Callback - 2018-06-18
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
As-I-know-it
Nicim
Breathe-Salt
Swordfern
Star-Brite
Swallowthkey
ATwoWayDream
HumHum
Secret-motel
AndWeBreathe
MovingSands
WeAteTheSea