>Hiss
I was at Disneyland. Or some theme park like it. I was lost, sort of, on a pier I didn't recognize.
Throngs of people still stifled my ability to leave.
And I wanted to leave.
The theme park couldn't have been in Anaheim, because I remember leaving so I could go to Kathryn's flat.
Only one day to spend in this imaginary town, and I spent it walking. And waiting.
When I got to her apartments, I let myself inside. I don't know how I was able to. Or why.
I just know that once I ascended several floors with a 1940's floorplan, and came to her room door, I was able to let myself inside.
It was dark inside. I didn't see her cats, but there were telltale signs of them living there.
It was in a comfortably lived-in state, but nothing atrocious. It was very small. Nearly coffin-sized.
I took off my coat and laid it down near a chair by the door.
I didn't spend much time looking around. Mostly I just nosed around to find her bedroom.
I found it. In a slat of space near the back. Literally only large enough for a mattress and frame.
Her messy twin. Which is funny, because I remember her bed often being immaculately made. I laid down, and buried my face in her blankets. I lay there for a long time, feeling the comfort of her smells unwind the knots in my shoulders. Even as I felt the tension melt away, I could feel the butterflies building.
I said hello to Bernerd, and Little Girl Bear, carefully- reverently- placing them behind me. I chuckled and bumped Usa-chan gently aside.
Pulling myself toward the top of the bed, where the headboard should have been, I peered over the edge.
There was your standard-fare pile of discarded stuff. A paper crane. A light blue, oversized t-shirt. Some sheets. A pair of pink panties (which I briefly considered taking, but decided against).
And a box.
Nudging the box open, I see a handful of mementos. Little capsules enshrining past romances.
And none of them were mine.
A small handwritten note of adoration. A pair of clay, salmon-colored cupcakes. A handful of jewelry.
I closed the box, overcome by an increasing feeling of dread.
I get off the bed, and catch myself watching something irrelevant on the television that was left on, when the door opens, and Kathryn comes home.
She's pleasantly surprised to see me, but says something to the effect of "I didn't expect to see you here."
I understand context clues, and mumble an apology. As it is, I'm submerged deeply in some sort of stranglehold of shame. The last thing I want to do is inconvenience her. Again. I mean, this is the way I have been trained to feel.
I reach for my coat, and she reaches for me; we both stop before our hands find what we reached out to grasp.
"You don't have to go", she says, with a slight edge of sincerity to her voice. Just the faintest hint of desperation.
I stay.
I embrace her, and hold her for a long time. She's talking to me, but I can't hear any of the words she's saying. All I can focus on is having her in my arms again.
We chat a little bit. About irrelevant stuff.
And the whole time, I can't shake this... persistent funk.
It's like...
Every tiny detail is an irrefutable and insidious reminder that she not mine. The mental shield my ego has been holding up for me is beginning to slip, and I'm learning a little bit at a time. Reconciling a single fact at a time, internally.
I loved seeing her.
But I know I can't stay. She won't let me. And that I should go.
I grab my coat and offer her a genuine, but suppressed, smile. I suspect that my face is etched with longing and love and regret.
I don't know. Maybe not. Or maybe she can't read it.
She tells me I don't have to go, but I can hear the conflict in her voice. Torn between not wanting me to leave, but knowing she shouldn't let me stay.
And ultimately, she doesn't try very hard.
And as I shoulder my coat in one fluid motion, I lean in and kiss her cheek. Right next to her ear. Fighting the lump in my throat.
I walk out, and find the elevator down.
And I am gripped by such an overwhelming sadness.
And the entire dream sort of dissolves and fades into bland, dreary smears after that.
11:44 a.m. - 2014-05-13
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