Hey there, again.
I wasn't sure what to write last night, so instead of sitting and forcing it, I thought I would give myself a break and some time to cultivate a better letter for this evening. Y'know?
Not that the timing is particularly relevant to anyone but me. But it's relevant to ME. So, I guess I'm explaining to you, for me.
Anyway.
Hi there~
I'm listening to the same song I had on repeat when I wrote you the first "Journal Letter" so many months ago. It's called "Dearly Beloved", from the Kingdom Hearts soundtrack. The first one, not the second (although the second one is also good).
I like it. It reminds me of... when I still was utterly infused with hope. And resolve to try and win you back.
Before I came to understand that you don't want to come back.
I'm sure you know this without me typing it, but it took me a really long time to ... fully accept that, y'know? When you said it (multiple times) before.... obviously I tried to both discount and disbelieve as much of it as I could. It was inconsistent with the vision of reclamation I had been fostering over those months. So when you told me that you... didn't want me to any more? That you would never come back? I of course only halfway believed you.
The distinction there is important, I think.
I never just outright DISBELIEVED what you were saying. It was more like... a fusion of me hoping that my dogged determination would pay off, and that you were saying those things-- at least partially-- out of mechanical obligation. Y'know?
I hoped that if I just stuck with this long enough... if I.... tried hard enough, in the way that I hadn't with us, before... maybe you would realize that I was so very sorry for not having put the effort in, before. That even loving you at a distance-- YOUR distance-- you might come to realize how much I *did* care. Y'know? That if I was stubborn and tenacious enough, it would endear myself to you in a way that would defeat your attempt at trying to shake me off.
I thought-- for many months-- that my determination and resolve were highly laudable traits. I said to myself, over and over, "She hates me-- don't leave her."
But it was much, much too late to commit to that. And... it took me until sort of recently to realize it. Y'know?
And I'm sorry. So very, seriously sorry.
When I asked you, over text, whether my loyalty and perseverance meant anything to you? If it was... if it touched something deep within you, that you found noble and spoke to you of love and commitment. And you said "No. It made me feel guilty."
It just.
.... I was defeated. It was like, my last and most staunch bastion of resolve, utterly washed away. Like an immense natural disaster came and erased it, in the blink of an eye.
I tried to rebuild it. Even now, I try and reclaim it. But it was a crippling and irrecoverable blow. And, if I'm being honest, it probably needed to be said. And I'm sorry for not "getting" it, and for making you say it.
The making you say it part, maybe a little less sorry about that. But then, that's because I've got my own cognitive biases going on, here. See. I assumed (wrongly, though by which orders of magnitude, I couldn't say for sure) that a lot of what you said, you either said "in the moment", or "out of obligation". Like, when you wrote me that angry, and hateful letter. I knew when you wrote it that you were writing livid. And even though I knew that, I tried to not totally discount it. Because it still addressed some very real feelings, right? But that letter kind of served as an analogy for a lot of our interactions... .... in my head. I worked under the presumption that, maybe if you were pushing me away, and embracing silence, that it was a ... "the current mindset" you were entrenched in. It was easier for me to carry on that way, y'know? By thinking that you were just... only unlocking me during the "rough" patches. To demonize me, or achieve consonance through anger, or whatever. Which isn't to say that I was discounting your rage, hurt or frustration. Not in the least. Then-- and definitely even now-- I paid your anger and pain great respect. It is and was immensely valid. But being able to compartmentalize it, within you, helped me to sort of... weather the blows, to so speak.
And of course, I tried to allow myself to believe that, when you pushed me away? Said things meant to wound me? That you did it because you were "supposed to". Your family, or your friends, or your significant other-- by vilifying me, you were praised and accepted by them. By everything you had read about leaving a previous relationship. By society, and your doctor. You said those things because you (felt like?) you NEEDED to. Even though you and I both know you still Felt Something for me, deep down.
But you pushed that part very, very far down. And I have no doubt whatsoever that you did it to protect yourself, because I only served to make the hiding of those feelings much easier. Because of my invalidation of you, and your feelings. Because of the hurtful things I said, and did. Because of the attention I didn't pay you.
And I'm sorry. Still, and eternally.
So... yeah.
There's that.
... as I came home from running adult-like errands today (boooooo!), I thought of you. I thought of us, and I wondered if there was anything about me you missed. I mean, now. I know you've uttered "I miss you, too" to me, before. But as you later clarified, it was likely largely said out of conditioning, nostalgia and reflex.
But, with all of that set aside.... is there anything about me you miss?
I wonder about it a bit.
You know. I was going to list the things that you might (or, really, might NOT) miss about me, and us. But I realized just before I started typing it that it would have honestly been rather childish; it would have only served as a vehicle for me trying to validate myself, and to make you feel guilty? And that's not what I want. At all. So... yeah. Clearly I'm not that mature if I was only barely able to catch myself from doing that.
I'll tell you what I do think, though. And I think this is fair.
I wonder if I will ever see you again. Hear from you again.
I wonder if the memory you choose to keep on me will be an un-split one, or just a wraithlike, shadowy image of a man who hurt you, and deeply. And taught you to trust not-so-quickly or deeply.
If my memory will be a living reminder of "never again".
I hope not. But~ if that is how you need it to be, then that is how it will be. Y'know? I think I can be alright with that.
I want to say this, though.
I hope that you will believe me when I say that I love you. And miss you.
Not as a strong, dynamic man with admirable traits. Or as an arrogant, selfish creature who manipulated you into a unfavorable circumstance or a-number-too-high-to-say-in-good-faith.
I'm just a boy-- not a man, but a boy-- who loves you very, very much. Who still thinks of you often. And who has laid literally hundreds of hours into this laptop and journal so you can try and believe him. To understand what he means when he tells you that he will always be here waiting. And he will always love you.
I'm just a very old boy, Katie. And I will always love you. And will always be here for you. Any time. For anything.
You were-- and still are-- irreplaceable.
Less Than Three.
I have one more letter for you, tomorrow.
I hope you're well.
No.
I hope you're much better than that.
11:44 p.m. - 2014-07-03
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