Accompaniment
Y'know....
For no other reason other than I'm in something resembling a bad mood, I'm going to fucking write about my competitive nature.
I've been playing Hearthstone this evening, see. Everything was well and good earlier this afternoon-- had a string of wins. Made some good progress. Y'know? Everything was right with the world, or something.
Sit down to play again some more, this evening... and the neural crack of reality comes down with a lash that might make my heart stop if I didn't know better than to just STOP.
STOP. PLAYING.
Jesus fuck.
No, look. I'm not going to sit here and make a laundry list of justifications as to why this shit isn't my fault. Because I mean, it is. Even when it isn't, it is.
I can sit here, and get mad about being matched up against unfavorable decks. And I can bitch and moan about the online RnG. I can complain about the stagnant and retarded metagame, and how every fucking skill-less motherfucker out there is piloting the same old busted, tired bullshit. And how it makes me fucking angry before I even sit down to start playing.
But, I won't.
Instead, I need to take a hard look at what the hell I'm doing.
Now, I don't know why I get so fucking mad when I lose at that game... other than I expect to do better than I do. It's not Dunning-Kruger. I am %98 sure that it's not. I have a very firm grasp on my level of both intelligence and skill. But I'm still doing that thing where I'm only half-committing to improvement-- especially at a game with as much variability of HS-- and then get quickly frustrated at my inability to succeed. And let's not gloss over the fact that I'm not spending anywhere NEAR enough time practicing (like my moniker would have you believe-- jesus).
I'm getting carried away. What was I saying?
Oh, right. My temper during competition.
Why do I get so frustrated?
I acknowledge that I sometimes set up my own stumbling blocks, so when I experience failure in the future, I can attribute it to .... I dunno, appeal to purity, I guess?
And I still haven't broken out of THAT fucking habit, let me tell you. In fact, I honestly think that there's just no breaking myself of that little idiosyncrasy any more. Like, seriously. I've talked to myself about it a number of times. Serious, lengthy bout of intraspective communication. Subvocalizing to myself in metered, zen-like mantras, to NOT do that shit.
But I just keep-on fucking doing it.
And I'm not sure what the solution is. Or if there even IS one.
Once again I'm forced to come to terms with that fact-- not that I'm not inherently good enough, but that I can't intellectually honestly manage my own time and discipline to get to where I desire to be.
And that is motherfucking frustrating. Doing that to myself.
Here's the thing, though. If I were to "cop out" (A laughably poor way of describing that scenario, because there's honestly very little logic that can be applied-- in good faith-- to that argument) and start playing a deck that would pilot ME to victory... the entire process would feel bankrupt? If that makes sense. There would be no joy in it. No self-expression. No satisfaction of overcoming not only the rues of the machine, but with my own flair and style.
And at that point it's like.... bleh. Why bother?
I mean, no... seriously. Why bother?
And I can't really think of any reason to. Because the point at which I make those concessions is the point at which it becomes an obligation. It becomes WORK that isn't enjoyable.
And if you don't enjoy your work, find new work, right?
This is an insidious way to rationalize this, though. It's like, very possibly the EMBODIMENT of sour grapes. And it leaves an incredibly bitter taste in my mouth, when I roll it around with my tongue. It's just.... ugh.
Even typing this right now is leaving me with a faint feeling of tightness and discomfort in my chest. Like, more-so than normal after a frustrating bout of games.
SO. I don't know.
I'm not sure what to do.
There's a whole cluster of problems, here honestly.
If I insist on doing my silly nonsense that involves me doing things "my way" in order to achieve my goals.... that would be fine. Except I would need to be pouring waaaaaaaaaayyy more time and dedicated, focused effort into my time spent playing. Like, we're talking literally full-time occupation time.
And I can't honestly allow myself to take the "easy way" out. I've tried doing it a few times, and I always hate myself afterwards. I feel as though I'm betraying some part of myself. Maybe it's because I'm been doing it so long, I've conditioned myself to NEED it.
I seriously doubt it's just circumstantial that I always allow myself to find these little loopholes that I trap myself in. It's actually unbelievably retarded. There's no other way to honestly define it, other than absolute batshit ridiculous. It's so fucking stupid, I'm frustrated just sitting here and typing and thinking about it.
I always have to do shit MY way.
UUUUUGGGGGGGH!!
So.
Yeah.
There's that.
I honestly don't even know how I'm going to address THAT batch on nonsense. (And it's a pretty big pile of nonsense)
My most recent means of coping with it is to simply acknowledge that most of my expended effort, these days, is a lost cause. Until (x), (y) or (z), of course (of course!... idiot)
But at least I'm not kidding myself any more. Right?
Maybe that's the first step. To stop fucking kidding myself about it. Like, the whole thing. My little mental traps. And my not-enough-time. And accepting the randomness and grindiness of it as... just one of those things.
(Which is actually pretty fucking funny, when I think about it-- because I can grind the SHIT out of an old-skoll RpG, or MMO. I can gather materials for literally hours at a time. Put some music on, and drift downward into my lake of internal meditation while doing the same mechanical gestures over and over)
So, I don't know... maybe I need to reconcile it, THAT way, to start?
And then.... my frustration at losing.
This is a whole separate problem, honestly. And I have no really good idea of how to solve it.
A quick internet search really doesn't provide me with anything new or revealing with which to combat this problem. So... there's that.
It's funny. I meant to come in here and write like, an hour before I started. I figured "I'll win a game or two, and then be in a great mood when I come to type>". But then I kept missing the 3rd win.
Then I kept telling myself "I'll do it after I crack rank 9 again". And, naturally, I started slipping into a "lose 2, gain 1. Lose, gain 1" spiral.
So by the time I finally convinced myself to stop playing and come write, I was all crabby and squiggly-faced.
Now, of course, I already feel much better. Having been typing for the last 30ish minutes, with some relaxing music playing, and the window open next to me has significantly reduced my blood pressure.
And that's fine. That happens all the time!
The problem is teaching myself to extricate myself from the problem before it arises.
Maybe there's a few solutions.
I suspect that I need to rewire my brain to learn how to reframe things, so I don't start to lose my balance and slide down the slope of "frustration at loss of control". I need to remind myself to focus on the longer road; the bigger picture. If I'm experiencing difficulty now, to instead try and reorganize the situation mentally so as to present a new and challenging puzzle to solve.
Also-- I need to find real and sincere time to meditate. I've been toying with the idea for a while, but I only just recently began to give the idea any serious consideration.
I suspect that training myself to empty my mind and let go of thoughts and feeling will help me similarly to just.... let go of the searing embers of anger when they start collecting in my palm.
Whew.
I dunno, man.
There's more to write about this topic in general.
Another time.
Right now, I have a Monk that needs to reach her pinnacle. Five-Oh, and a Cyclas.
Keyla would be so proud.
11:24 p.m. - 2014-07-17
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