No point in jerking myself off; might as well just peel back the entire front hemisphere of my skull, here. Y'know-- go-for-the-throat, and all that.
I went running alone for the first time in several weeks. Having my thoughts to myself was a refreshing change. They wandered a bit, as they tend to do, when I'm not policing them. But in the end, I managed to get them to settle down (by doing the mental equivalent of picking it up, and forcibly setting it down and holding it still. Like a fickle child.)
So. This one has been a long. Long.
Long.
Time coming.
I have been giving it a bit of a think, lately, see. About girls. Or women. I guess "females" is the best way to describe it.
I love females. LOVE them. I think they're mystical, and beautiful, and a fantastic vehicle for validating my self-worth.
.....
Yeah. Read that again. I'll wait.
See. This is the problem I've been posing myself, lately.
I seem to have a rather difficult time maintaining friendship with the opposite sex. And by "friendships", I of course mean "platonic friendships". That is, the kind that involves mutual respect, and not me focusing on them as a sexual object to be obtained.
This has sort of been in my peripheral mental vision for a while. And I keep turning my head, to conveniently ignore it. Or sometimes, when push comes to shove, swatting it away violently.
But the cold, hard fact is that I seem to have a hard time cultivating and developing a relationship with a woman if I am of the impression that I won't be validated by obtaining the sanction of her physical intimacy.
This is a real problem for me. Because I don't particularly like thinking about myself in such terms. But at this point, I've turned a (rather criminal) blind eye to it for far, far too many years. And now, it deserves the fucking scrutiny reserved for Extremely Shady People.
"Now watch as I leap to my own defense!"
Here's the thing. The way people resolve cognitive dissonance is either:
A.) Changing the behavior
B.) Adding cognitive stipulations to justify it
C.) Altering the cognition to make it less conflicting
D.) Denial
I've been doing an awful lot of "D". And by "D", I mean, mostly ignoring it when it's brought to my conscious attention.
Tonight as I was running, I tried a little of "A" and "C".
I know-- as a stone-cold fact-- that my open-relationship is comprised heavily (or was, at it's inception) of my rather selfish desire to have my worth reflected in the eyes and sanctioning of additional bedmates. Whether this is a learned mechanic, or an inherited desire is, at this point, largely irrelevant; I am old enough and mature enough to take accountability for my actions, and not have them easily absolved by such a simple and silly excuse.
And so. A decade or more later.
Here I am.
I struggle with this... and sometimes, I'm not sure why. Oftentimes, I feel like this erodes me internally. As though I am less of a man because of it. Not more (irony) of one, as I subconsciously allow myself to indulge. I suspect that my internal conflict is born largely from sociocultural conditioning. Truly, my form-and-function of relationship-- and my constant Chasing of the Lustful Dragon-- is widely reviled in our society. So is that part of it? Do I feel "bad" about it because.... I should? Being conditioned to believe it from years and years of media shaming?
Perhaps.
I am reluctant to begin trotting out an endless (and potentially, reasonably rational-- though ultimately, seemingly flimsy and probably hardly compelling) series of justifications at this point. They're basically bursting at the forefront of my mind right now, and I have to keep shoving them back mentally. Shut up, ego-- I don't need you to defend yourself. GOD.
A very, very strong piece of evidence which happens to be particularly damning is the sensation of disconnection I sometimes feel (have felt~) with some of my past satellite lovers. Mid-act, taking only the barest of psychological satisfaction from the movements. Only slightly more physical satisfaction. I'm dissociative, sometimes. And that's no good, y'know?
The problem, there, isn't just that it's with "randoms" that I experience that cognitive disconnect; it can happen with literally anyone. Part of the reason I cherish Katie so highly is because it happened the least with her (among a great many other things). She always managed to keep me tethered in the here-and-now.
So, while my disconnection mid-tryst is disconcerting-- and sobering evidence that supports a potential problem-- I think it's only a symptom of a much deeper issue that might not even have a solution or resolution.
So. That sucks.
And then there's the consistent reminder that... if a female isn't attracted in me-- or interested in treading that road, as it were-- that I ultimately lose interest. The entire 'friendship' (or I guess, more accurately, 'pursuit of relationship') becomes bankrupt for me.
What does that say of me?
Now, obviously this isn't without exception. A can think of a couple of women that I respect immensely, and the issue of sexual interest in largely off the table ("largely", though, being a very telling word, don't you think?)
But then, if I'm being intellectually honest with myself... isn't that lack of sexual interest in MY half of the equation? Aren't *I* the one who isn't interested in pursuing it? Thus relegating the onus of the maintenance to them?
I mean.... I dunno.
I posed a challenge to myself, this evening while I was running.
I would go back and try and contact at least 2 women from my past that I wasn't interested in, simply to see how the dynamic would play itself out. Providing they respond (which, to be frank, they may not at all), I am holding myself to the standard of keeping the dialogue sexually neutral unless initiated (and clearly) by them.
What will this yield?
I'm unsure.
But I know at this age, I don't have a good reason for not being able to maintain a friendship based on exploration of mutual interests.
And that's one of the entities lined up in the queue of "reasons I could defend myself". Which, at this precise moment, is really totally not interesting or productive. Because the more reasons I punch into this keyboard about why what I'm doing is "Ok", the less scrutiny I will direct to it. Y'know?
And that's not really.
.... it's not what I want, right now.
I want to understand this.
Like, really-seriously.
Why has Katie been the only one to satiate me in over a decade?
Why?
Why do I force every female interaction I have into a simplified mathematical equation, yielding only binary results?
I think a better test for me might be to try and befriend an attractive female, who is disinterested in sex with me, and perhaps try and sort it out, from there.
But, again... if I'm being honest with myself, I'm not sure if I have the strength of character to conduct that experiment in good faith. To both myself, and my potential friend. The idea idea of wasting someone else's time is pretty fucking repugnant to me.
So.
Yeah. Y'know.
There's that.
This needs more of a think. And I'll come back to it, tomorrow.
.... I will say though.
I chuckled at myself, running this evening.
I actually had the audacity to allow myself the pleasant subvocalized fantasy that ... one of my real, and longest-pursued "skills" was ....
.... having relationships.
.... that's just embarrassing.
And also, a totally separate entry.
11:08 p.m. - 2014-09-16
Recent entries:
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