Another game passed between us, in the folded eternity drawn out between my companion and I.
I would have liked to have said that my margin of loss was decreasing.
I would have liked to have said that, but it would have likely been wishful thinking. Convenience of dream-memory.
Still. The conversation-- while stilted-- had become easier.
And so, during a longer turn not-my-own, I asked with casual sincerity, "Do you think me having these conversations with you is... my attempt at humanizing you?"
Without moving, my opponent replied.
"I don't know. Is it?"
I had no immediate retort. I sat silently, internally vacillating between considering that given response, and focusing on the game.
We played many moves, many which saw my butterfly connections collapse under pressure. Finally, mentally disengaging from another loss, I had formulated a totally unnecessary response.
"Yeah. I mean, it obviously is, right? I've feared you for a very long time. Y'know? Like, real, debilitating fear. And I don't... have any other mechanism to dissolve that terror.
I know it's inevitable, though. Even though I like to fantasize that we'd find a.... method of extension, it's surely not feasible.
And like you said, it's important to give it sincere and dedicated thought.
Even if I can't defeat that fear, the grappling with it is important. I mean, not that I think I could ever banish that fear completely-- that would be utterly retarded. But hiding from that fear, only to have it consume me when .... my time is up. What kind of ending would that be?
So... I appreciate you taking this time, and talking to me."
My opponent nodded once, a slow and with deliberate movement. Then placed a stone, and replied.
"You don't need to thank me."
2:53 a.m. - 2015-01-02
Recent entries:
Tossi Propter - 2018-07-02
Summerscorch - 2018-07-02
Heartdesert - 2018-06-25
Elliptical - 2018-06-25
Back and Callback - 2018-06-18
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
As-I-know-it
Nicim
Breathe-Salt
Swordfern
Star-Brite
Swallowthkey
ATwoWayDream
HumHum
Secret-motel
AndWeBreathe
MovingSands
WeAteTheSea