Fairy Tale Waltz :: Kevin MacLeod
Status :: Getting kind of sleepy
"There once was a Prince. A Prince, who sadly, could not Trust. And because he could not Trust, he could not Love."
Words written by another that I never thought would have application to me. But the realization made recently impacted me with the force of a freight train.
Those words are prophetically true.
I cannot Trust.
Therefore, I am incapable of Love.
Oh, sure.... there was a time when my brain functioned differently, but that time grows longer and longer past. My heart will never fully heal the scars that have been incised upon it. And that's fine.... that's alright.
What's not fine is subjecting myself to keloiding of the scar through massive, repetitve irritation-truama.
I won't be able to reach that uncoditional plateau of love again because the situation and criteria of my relationship(s) are so totally different than the one in which I found that unconditional caring. I don't know if I *should* be capable of letting go of my paranoia and submerging myself into happiness, or if maybe I really just need to see a relationship counselor if I plan on chasing down further relations (not to mention continuing my current one) with, you know, actual PEOPLE.
I think, maybe, I'm more comfortable with my paranoia. I honestly can't imagine a life without it-- it would seem steeped in ignorance and self-delusion to live otherwise. Always assume the worst, and you'll never be caught unawares for bad situations. Even better, when things turn out well, you'll be pleasantly surprised~!
Iono. Happiness is becoming more and more a midnight muse. It's this fleeting image I can't seem to grasp for longer than it takes to dissapate into etherealness. I know what it's like to be happy. And I know that I'm rarely it. And that's no ones' fault but mine, really.
But you know what? Maybe it's better that way. Trust is really just making assumptions when they might not always be warranted. It's deluding yourself into believing something that might not be true. And happiness clouds the mind-- it's a "highpoint". One can't be objective and impartial when on a heightened state of emotional being like that. It's difficult enough being rational.
And like any high, you have to come down sometime...
Thankfully the plummeting effects aren't magnified by some chemical, but still. Coming down is still coming down, no matter which way you slice it.
Getting back to the point.... I can't recollect what I was like before meeting and dating Her for the 4 years that I did. Probably because I've blocked it out. But the things I can manage to dredge up and remember aren't good things. I.E; they remind me in many ways to how I feel and act now.
Which isn't so great.
I admit that I would have a difficult time falling again into an easy "all-trusting" state. But I remember how happy I was with it.
Truly, I wonder how much the trust levels in that relationship were responsible for me being as happy as I was. But I also admit, I'm not too displeased with the way I interact with the world now. Paranoid as I am, I also know I'm not about to get sucker-punched in the fucking head by someone I gave too much leeway to.
I don't know. I feel genuinely bad for people who have to climb my mountainous road of trust-- single missteps can trigger avalanches of destruction of what someone has been working for weeks, months, to build.
Then again... I always tell people that if it's too much work, then they just shouldn't bother.
It's on them.... not me, whether it's my baggage or not. I certainly wouldn't hold it against them.
I can't help but feel that Trust is for sheep. There's nothing wrong with not trusting people, though it may make your life uneasy.
Randomness :: "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."
11:51 p.m. - 2005-09-26
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