Yiruma :: River Flows Through You
I am Jack's :: Drained Husk
I'm tired.
It's 4 AM. I should be heading to bed, but I told myself I'd do this.
This thing really is your deconstruction blog, isn't it? When you need to perform a little home surgery and get inside your own head. Or, hell, even do a little therapeutic bloodletting.
I can't stop. Hurting. Over Incineration.
It's closing in on a week. Every day, every chance I get, I check my email for a letter from her.
I have not received one.
I'm pretty sure I won't.
The sting of it is, that there's many, many reasons why I shouldn't.
I pushed her away.
We don't want the same things.
This had to happen some day.
She has other options available to her.
I may be moving soon.
Y'know? There's just a lot of reasons.
It's just hard to let it go when there was so much good in it.
I mean... I know. It's a very selfish thing to say. It's the loss of the intimacy (read: sex) that really kills. Let's not kid ourselves-- age 28 and 29 was the best sex of your life, and therefore, some of the best years of your life. While in the best relationship you've ever had?
Yiss'm.
But, she's young, y'know? She has a lot to look forward to. You? Not so young, any more. How long do you think you'll be able to sucker-punch younger women into doing this? Not THAT much longer. I mean, you know and I know that you've got the goods, but, really.... the chances are astronomically low...
The part that sucks the most is that... I really could have envisioned a relationship with her, y'know? Not a two-person one, like she fantasizes about. I'm quite confident that would not work well, for a number of reason which are likely fruitless to list.
No, it sucks that she would not have a triage relationship with Frag and I. I hadn't ever REALLY thought I would have met a woman I really would have wanted to have that with, much less someone whom I thought would actually be able to handle it, in seriousness.
But, again... she's so young. Such little context. How can I begrudge her that?
I do miss her. Just the knowledge of not having her any more aches. Quite deeply.
She was mine, in a very special way. And though I never took her for granted, I certainly sometimes wish I had not invested myself in her so.
There's a part of me that still holds on, desperately, to the hope that she will come around. Write that letter. And we will work everything out. I hope she'll be like, "You are everything I've ever wanted, and even though I must share, I want to have some of you instead of none."
But... you know she won't say that, don't you?
Some of the last words she wrote, and the way she underlined "remain friends" indicates quite sincerely that she has other plots to conceive and execute. Other roads to tread and explore.
She really just wants your friendship, for you have been a mentor and a friend to her.
And though she has not offered the same in reciprocation (how could she? So naieve and charming!), she offered.... what she could offer.
She made a mistake.
A massively huge one. No doubt guided by her own selfish desires.
Which, let's be clear, we shall not brook as acceptable.
Yet... such is life.
Were you so different, at her age?
No. You know you were not. In fact, she's miles ahead of you.
But, the core personalities are still, in truth, quite different.
She has a very differing set of core beliefs, y'know? I don't know if they'd really be that compatible.
*heavy sigh*
I lament.
I know, now, that my pride will win out. My pride, ever-guiding my actions, will suffocate out the desire to reconcile. My swelling, suffocating pride will whisper dark secrets and imaginings in my ear, like a Grima Wormtongue of both common sense and of futility.
She will find another, if she has not already (and chances are immense that she has).
Her friends already loathe you. You can see it in their eyes. (Fuck them, immature brats)
She is too young, and unable to cope with the extensive list of changes which would be requisite for something beyond what you two had already been playing at, to work.
And forget-me-not, the taint with which she has already laid upon your relationship.
Will you ever be able to forget that film? The look she gave? The raw betrayal that entire clip encapsulated?
Likely not, because she will never fully grasp how badly it wounded you.
Because she will never take the time to think everything through, from beginning to end.
As your previous lovers before, they will make themselves too busy to reflect.
Instead of bleeding out the pressure and pain in their hearts, they will distract themselves from it. Until they forget to remember it for a time.
But it will always come back, in the end.
Or they will choke it out, and it will be their loss, ultimately.
No. She's gone. And unless a brilliant stroke of second-fortune comes along, you and I both know you have to let it go.
Better to fade, like a wraith, from her memory.
Just as you always have, from the lives of people.
A punctuation mark on their loss.
... I wish my body remembered how to cry. Remembered the catharsis.
I wish I didn't have to let her go like this.
I wish the lesson that had to be taught to her would be one she would be willing to learn.
I wish... for a great many things.
... it's very hard. TO be thankful of the wonderful and truly marvelous times she has given me, when the wounds are still fresh and unhealed.
Will the scar ever really heal? Will it be massive, keloided and unsightly?
Will it always be tainted with bitterness?
Will you ever find something similar?
*deep breath..... exhale*
I don't know.
Let her go.
Two weeks or more. When you've regained your confidence. If the desire is still overwhelming then, well.... perhaps then we'll talk again of the possibility of a reconnection.
I would tell you to put it out of your mind, but we both know better than that, don't we?
Randomness :: "I can't remember to forget you."
-- The perfect parting phrase --
3:56 a.m. - 2010-08-19
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