LowMid
Sometimes I get so smug, I make myself want to puke. Like, really-- if I was me as a third party, seeing into my own head at times, I would honestly just walk up to myself and punch myself right in my stupid smarmy face.
That's how I used to feel, anyway. Pretty strongly at that.
And I wish I could add a "but" to the end of that last sentence....
... I can't.
Sometimes, during the halfway checkpoint of one of my Tuesday night cardio sessions, when dusk has fading into nighttime, I'll pull up into The Loop of my run. It's just a little trestle ("fill trestle"? I'm actually unsure what you'd call it. A circular damn made of dirt that turns into a tiny lake?.... anyway). Walking it takes less than 2-3 minutes, but I usually use the time to clear my mind, and catch my breath.
What's particularly interesting, to me, about that little circle is that I tend to have little epiphanies there. Little, abashed realizations.
I have this note in my phone. Reading it makes me cringe a little bit. It says:
"Some days, life feels as though it' set to the 'Easy' mode of difficulty. I can see the answers through all the doors lining the hallway of questions."
And it's like... yeah, I mean. I get it. Doesn't everyone kind of experience that every now and again? That sort of "zen" moment, where everything aligns in a neat little row, and you feel as though you are skating across the cosmos?
But, I mean, honestly. It's always a fleeting sensation.
Here's a better note I left for myself, not too terribly long ago:
"Sometimes I feel like a mortal with delusions of demi-god-hood. Truly neutral, and above the petty concerns of so many of my fellow man. And then I have the neural whipcrack of self-cognizance laid upon me. I'm just a man. Like any other."
And I have a physical reaction to that. Like, placid eyes, clear countenance, strong form. And I suddenly realize that I'm as frail and mortal as everyone else. And I just sort of.... laugh at myself a little bit. My face softens, and I slump a little bit into a more casual and natural posture. And I'm like, "Ah.... yeah. That's... about right." Like I'm chiding myself for my own self-aggrandizing bullshit.
Now, I don't know whether this is because I'm experiencing an exercise-induced endorphin-wash in my fucking central cortex or wherever the hell it occurs, that makes me think I'm nigh-invincible. But it's like... really guy?
I look at those notes, and then read the reactions to my own notes, and I'm just like....
..... what the fuck are you doing??
If I give it a hard think, I sort of come to the theory that's it's probably just a manifestation of either blind-spot bias, or maybe illusion of asymmetric insight.... or maybe both. I mean, my sense of superiority has been carefully cultivated from very specifically chosen and tended seeds (and how convenient for me!)
But... BUT~! That's doesn't mean that I'm wrong.
Where I go wrong is when, whatever it is I think I can sense about other people (better than they can), it doesn't give me leave to act like a fucking jagoff about it. Y'know?
It's.... uuuuugh.
Just trying to unreel this is driving me nuts.
Ok. See.
I almost typed "What matters is that I just keep my fucking mouth shut about it." Which, you see, is partially true. I'm entitled to my own beliefs and deductions and whatever. And that's fine.
Except that allowing myself the luxury of entertaining the notion that I'm somehow exempt from those biases mentioned above just locks my in a self-sustaining mental-feedback loop. I mean, right?
The fact that I almost handwaved it away with "Ah, it's fine. I can believe whatever I want" seems like a dangerous signal.
What I should be doing is trying to resculpt my mental reaction to situations like that.
I mean, to be fair, it's not as though I'm utterly failing in my execution of the above. If someone said something-- by way of estimation or observation about me-- I would (try to) be reasonably receptive to that.
And so, if we're being objective, maybe part of the problem is other people not being similarly receptive.
But. Still. That logic sort of lends itself to laziness of the slippery-slope justification variety. Because I should be taking the maximum amount of accountability for situational reactions and behavior.
Right?
Hrm.
I'm just a man.
Not a demigod who has mortal realizations.
I am just one person.
Who doesn't bend the world around them as they live their life.
And I'm beginning to think that I should devote less time (or, at least, an equal amount of it) to teaching myself to dissect other people, and instead just accept them and move on.
Like water just flowing past a rock.
Not worth the trouble most of the time. Y'know?
I mean, what is that A manifestation of my my own controlling nature, a little bit? Being able to pull other people apart at the seams?
A manifestation of my own insecurity?
The part of that which is weird to me is that I'm not terribly shy about entertaining that idea as a very probably possibility. I'm not squeamish about cracking open my own head, either. So... I don't know. Is that still insecurity?
It doesn't feel like insecurity. I don't feel threatened by other people. Like, honestly almost never.
But maybe that's the whole point. That's the nature of the entire construct I've built for myself. Right?
Hrmm....
11:37 p.m. - 2014-07-16
Recent entries:
Tossi Propter - 2018-07-02
Summerscorch - 2018-07-02
Heartdesert - 2018-06-25
Elliptical - 2018-06-25
Back and Callback - 2018-06-18
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
As-I-know-it
Nicim
Breathe-Salt
Swordfern
Star-Brite
Swallowthkey
ATwoWayDream
HumHum
Secret-motel
AndWeBreathe
MovingSands
WeAteTheSea