I feel much more tired this evening than I feel I.... should.
Hm.
Today, I found myself running headfirst into an internal tanglewire I thought maybe I had sorted out, some time ago.
This is probably a holdover from last night, so I might as well backpedal again, and start from yesterday.
*Phew*
Ok. I'm not even sure where to start. So I guess I'll start ... anywhere.
I've spent my life constructing a pretty fantastic bubble. I know I've written about this, before: "My safe little world where no one challenges me" And maybe that's going too far back. But I'll leave it for reference.
Last night, when I went out of my way for my friend, I would be lying to myself if I tried to say that part of the reason I did it was as a means of generating leverage. This was looped together loosely with the concept of trying to be.... mindful. Y'know? Trying to put myself in someone else's position, and exercising compassion and empathy. Shrinking my empathy gap, as it were.
But behind that curtain still lay some shadowy motives. And it was partially in-convenience that my "hidden" motives (laid bare, here) happened to also satisfy my desire to try and be a "better" (subjective word) human being.
But still. There was a reluctant and grousing side inside of me that was still irate about the gross inconvenience of an appeal to emotion being laid upon me.
And yet, today, I find myself (obviously-- why wouldn't I?) vindicated in my original estimation of both the situation, and my time.
See. This is really difficult for me. Because I can see my actions and justifications pretty transparently here. I can hear myself subvocalize "I fucking KNEW this was what my payout would be", and then, retroactively (a little hindsight bias at work), I start to rebuild my only-slightly-dented neuroplasticity.
And I kind of don't really like it.
It's like... I still have to emerge as a victor in every power struggle or perceived grievance. And I mean, well DUH-- of course I do. And I also happen to be really fucking good at it. Either by abandonment, devaluation, argumentative rationale, or whatever tactic best suits the situation.
A lifetime of protecting myself from "baseless" criticisms and shunting vulnerability is really difficult to try and overcome. Did you know?
Oh, I know. I try and expose myself to new ideas. I try very hard to be open to intelligent and rational discussion about theories and point-of-view that don't immediately align with mine. Deliberately seeking confirmation bias is just sad and insipid.
But my adaptive unconscious, I think, it operating on such a deep and brilliant level, my consciousness has a really hard time combating it.
I only want to be outside my comfort zone when I will it.
Any other time-- other than the one I decide is the one I want, and have internally mandated-- just serves to cause my brain to dump a truckload of chemicals into my bloodstream and limbic system.
I don't want to be that guy, though. Y'know? I wish I could successfully fuse Randian rationale with Taoist principles. But the pendulum swings too far each way with no semblance of control or mastery. It's just wildly spinning widdershins.
And, y'know... I can talk about how I want to change. But it won't be until I forcibly enact a series of mantras, practices and so on that I'll see any results, I think. Because what I'll really end up doing is continue trying to slave the outside world to my whims, and only pursue these "improvements" at my convenience.
Euuuuuugh.
I look at myself oftentimes, and I'm pretty unhappy, still. It's frustrating and disheartening.
Is this what it's like trying to overcome narcissism?
Hah~
I dunno. I might not even be a serious, clinically-defined narcissist. Maybe just vaguely sociopathic?
Probably not that, either, really.
I dunno.
Ruth recommended a book for me to read, not so long ago. "Daring Greatly", I think it was called. And inside, it held tenets and examples of being more vulnerable?
I wonder, recently, if I shouldn't just sit down and force myself to read it.
Would it really even make a difference?
I want to sit here and say that I can be vulnerable when I need to. To admit that I'm wrong, and admit when I need something.
But I think that-- if I'm being honest with myself-- I probably am only vulnerable when desperate, or again, is convenient.
And that's... well. It's probably pretty fucking antithetical to the idea.
The idea of mastery just seems to fly in the face of vulnerability, though. And I know that, intellectually, utter vulnerability doesn't have to be exclusive. And, in fact, can be the pinnacle of mastery. I just don't think I am (currently) capable of that level of non-control without freaking out.
It's always easier to externalize and see the flaws in other peoples' actions. Even now, after years of writing and introspection. After years of technically knowing better.
And maybe part of my problem, too, if having unreasonable expectations.
That's surely part of the reason my social circle is so painfully small.
Hrm.
I just can't stand the idea of someone thinking (erroneously) that they're smarter or more knowledgeable than me, when they aren't. Like, I don't mind being inferior to someone in most capacities (although I challenge myself to not be). But someone allowing themselves to believe that I'm less informed, less equipped, or less capable than I am really fucking makes me angry.
To a degree. It's become better, over the years. I used to slap people down aggressively for even spouting inane, ignorant bullshit nearby me. Now, fortunately, I only do it when it's directly at me.
Which isn't really a terribly good reason for vomiting rage and reason at someone like a projectile weapon. But, then, it isn't the worst reason, either.
Man, this entry has meandered far and wide.
I'm not even sure if it's drawing concrete conclusions? Or solutions?
I dunno. Internal awareness is a big first step. I think I'll just have to keep thinking about all of it, without trying to handwave it away by making excuses for myself.
Every time my brain tries to release it by indulging lazy consonance tactics, I have to snatch it back and pin it up again.
It's such an exhausting and neverending battle.
Bleh.
11:12 p.m. - 2014-09-23
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