I thought I had bricked myself into a tiny little self-sustained corner last night. Everything pseudo-resolved into neat little piles that I could either poke at analytically, or sweep under some nearby fixture. Whichever. Y'know, as I do.
But I thought about something last night, and another something today, that warrants more exploration, I think.
As I got up from my journal entry last night....
Let me try that again.
Usually when I get done writing, I have achieved a little bit of meditative peace. My mind is lightened, and I have a deep sense of (sometimes only brief) satisfaction.
Last night, as I got up, it felt like something followed me when I did. A little smudgemark that troubled my mind.
And I realized that-- when I do this? Pick myself apart?-- I'm really fucking hard on myself.
Now. I'm not segue'ing into granting myself some clemency, here. I don't think I should allow myself the leisure of that sort of sloppy, self-absolving behavior. I mean, people don't change, strive and improve by means of... just sort of fortunate happenstance. Gains must be bought with time and dedication. With work.
In my opinion, of course.
But I felt like... I dunno. Maybe I need to relax a little bit.
This could be just a little congeniality bias coming to my own defense, so I don't feel like the human equivalent of a sin-perpetuating demon. But I don't think so (of course I don't!) I like to imagine myself as a reasonable and objective person a lot of times (of course I do!). So if I can take a step back from the gory surgical mess of seeing myself open up and pull apart my own shitty behavior, and cringe a little bit at it... maybe I don't need to fucking beat it into me.
But then. Y'know. Heh. I say that. But when it comes to changing my own internal responses, I'm really fucking awful at rewiring my brain. In fact, it's always been an order of magnitude easier for me to just bend everyone else to help support my illusions.
"Will you change the world before you change yourself?"
So. I dunno.
I know I have my redeeming qualities, too. I must.
Right?
Or how would I seduce anyone?
*cue sort of self-aware, hollow, sad, forced laughter*
ANYWAY.
But see. Here's the thing. And this ties into the second thing I had been giving consideration.
(I've been over this before, too.)
I try to not hold only hold other people to the same criteria I hold myself to.
So maybe that's tied together subconsciously. I'm a sharp and discerning critic (or fancy myself as such, anyway); to allow myself some reprieve from criticism is tantamount to throttling that part of my personality to death.
Not that I think that doing such is fundamentally bad. There's nothing wrong with changing who you are (or I am, as it were).
I mean. I dunno.
I like being critical. Probably because after years of honing my criteria, I typically end up feeling better about myself afterward. WHen I hold other people up to it.
And that's pretty shitty.
And-- since we're already proceeding down this road-- this is probably part of the reason I have so few friends. I mean, aside from my introversion, obviously.
(I just typed out several paragraphs worth of salient theory about something sort of connected, but not really, and realized it's better spent as a concluding topic, tomorrow)
What was I saying?
...
Oh, right right. Expectations.
I'm beginning to finally just think that I need to keep my expectations perpetually low when it comes to other people. Because I'm always invariably disappointed by them.
Now, whether this is a construct of my subconscious, in that it focuses on things deliberately-- almost like laying a series of traps-- in order to "fail" people, I couldn't say. I don't have a lot of immediate evidence to support that theory, though. A cursory examination, though, leads me to believe that I try to have expectations ("grade", if you will) on a scale. I expect, from each, what they are capable.
But even that seems to be too much, y'know? Since I'm constantly disappointed?
So. Clearly. The common denominator.
Is me.
And so. I was thinking about it, a bit. How do I keep my internal expectations about myself separate from the things I want or expect from other people? How do I "unlearn" the marriage of those two things, and my thinking process?
There's a concept in Tao that says that the fewer expectations one brings to life, and situations, and so on, the better. Because having detailed expectations isn't just about setting oneself up for disappointment. What it also does-- much more insidiously-- is narrow your band of focus. You're open to fewer possibilities and permutations, rather than many, many more. Tunneling too hard on whether AB&C are met. Living a little bit of a confined life, yeah?
And that really speaks to me.
I just. I don't know how to separate all those things, yet. I don't know how to stop expecting certain things from people. Are expectations and personal investments the same thing? Does this equation sort of draw me back to the question of vulnerability? Allowing myself to invest in someone without expectations?
Hrm.
Simplification is already a core tenet that I try and use on a (semi)regular basis.
Maybe I just need to subjugate this part of me to it.
Because it isn't really about relinquishing control. Being receptive to more permutations and situations and possibilities is having more control. Not less.
Greater flexibility is more. Not less.
Maybe what sort of squicks me about this idea is the "lack of competence" phase I'll invariable have to deal with. As I always do, when learning new things.
.... hmmm.
12:02 a.m. - 2014-09-25
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