Far Off Promise :: Chrono Trigger
Status :: Tired and slightly lost
I'm afraid of commitment.
It's taken me a long time to come to this conclusion, mostly because I told myself for a very long time that all I truly wanted was someone would devote themselves to me the same as I would to them.
And I think I know now that it simply isn't true.
I have too many unrequitted lusts, potential pursuits, daring escapades I still wish to indulge.
But my comon sense, my foresight, and my fear of eventual unsheddable lonliness keeps me from unshackling myself.
I know I care about my significant others. So then, why then do I crave the company of other women so badly? Do I still have something to prove to myself?
Why do I undermine every relationship subconciously? Why do I always find faults that cannot be rectified? Or become slighted by things which deserve no chastisement?
I think I just know that somehow, I just can't be happy being a sole impactor on only a single persons' life. I have to prove to myself-- and more importantly, females of the world-- that I am Me. A statement wholly self-describing.
I know I shouldn't even bother wrapping my tanglewire words around the hearts of females, but I still do it. I've honed flirtation into a deadly and deceiving blade, though eretofore, I've managed to behave myself most respectably.
But temptation knocks upon my door. And the banging gets more insistent every day.
If I rectify the shortcomings of *any* given potential longterm mate, will I be able to shelve and lay to rest my restless libido? My curiousity? Will I ever be sated, if I can find a physically perfect, mentally acute and emotionally stable creature with a razor wit and a similar sense of pHun?
Jesus H, I fucking hope so.
But now, here I am, watching myself push away from the girl I've known nearly a year, and with whom I've been dating exclusively just over a quarter of that time. I'm watching myself do all the things that I've watched myself do dozens of times before, be the timespans short of long. Seeking unchangable imperfections, unacceptable behaviors and paranioa-born misdeeds.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I have things I do and don't want. This is how it will be, no question. And I have other things on which I'm far more flexible-- sure, I can meet you there.
But where do the commonalities become necessity? When is the age gap too wide? When does intolerence become ridiculousness, and when does one become indebted forever to anothers heart through lack of spoken truth?
Do I have some imaginary list that grows and shrinks, and I need to check off as many names as I can before settling down? Do I have some sort of lofty, but mentally unaccessable-- unanalyzable at that-- criteria? I thought I had it pinned down. Truly, even now I do. But is it unrealistic? Too stringent? I tell others never to settle for someone to which they will commit their lives; yet, here I am, wondering if I'm doing the same thing.
What makes me the bigger liar; being the one who tells people to not settle for anything less than their dreams, and then breaks my own self-confessed rules? Or being the one who settles in secret, but continues to fish for the perfect catch, knowing I might betray my faithful-- and deluded-- sweetheart all the while?
Randomness :: "But you *are* 'somebody'-- you're the man I love."
12:42 a.m. - 2005-09-23
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